250 Best Comedian Puns and Jokes Up Funny One Liners Inside

250 Best Comedian Puns and Jokes Up Funny One Liners Inside

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Comedians have a special talent: they can take everyday words and twist them into hilarious punchlines. Whether it’s clever puns, witty one-liners, or jokes that make you groan, humor has a way of lifting our spirits. In this article, we’ve rounded up the 150 best comedian puns and jokes that will tickle your funny bone and make you laugh out loud.

Best Comedian Puns and Jokes That Will Crack You Up Funny One Liners Inside

Here’s the master list of 250 funny puns and one-liners:

  1. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
  2. My jokes about construction are still under work.
  3. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
  4. I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats.
  5. Parallel lines have so much in common… it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  6. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  7. I once got into a pun contest. It was pun-ishing.
  8. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  9. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
  10. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  11. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  12. I wanted to be a comedian, but people just laughed at me.
  13. Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
  14. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
  15. I tried to play hide and seek with the sun, but it dawned on me.
  16. I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
  17. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
  18. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  19. Don’t trust people who do acupuncture—they’re back stabbers.
  20. I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.
  21. I know a lot of jokes about retired people… but none of them work.
  22. I once made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
  23. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
  24. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
  25. The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran.
  26. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  27. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
  28. I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
  29. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
  30. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
  31. Velcro—what a rip-off!
  32. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
  33. My math teacher called me average. How mean!
  34. I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.
  35. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
  36. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
  37. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint.
  38. I’d tell you a joke about electricity, but it’s too shocking.
  39. I don’t trust people who do landscaping. They’re shady.
  40. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
  41. I got hit in the head with a can of soda. Luckily, it was a soft drink.
  42. I wanted to be a mirror cleaner, but it’s something I can’t see myself doing.
  43. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  44. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
  45. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  46. I got fired from the orange juice factory. I just couldn’t concentrate.
  47. I wanted to learn how to juggle, but I didn’t have the balls.
  48. Some people eat snails. I find them a little sluggish.
  49. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
  50. I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward.
  51. I wanted to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
  52. My friend said he didn’t understand cloning. I said, “That makes two of us.”
  53. I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  54. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  55. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  56. I stayed up all night wondering where the stars went. Then it dawned on me.
  57. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  58. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  59. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
  60. I don’t play soccer because I don’t like being kicked around.
  61. My boss said I should dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in HR dressed as Batman.
  62. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
  63. The man who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
  64. I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
  65. I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.
  66. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  67. The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
  68. I don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
  69. The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
  70. Why do bicycles fall over? Because they’re two-tired.
  71. I’m no good at math, but I know that two wrongs don’t make a right. But three rights make a left.
  72. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
  73. I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.
  74. I burned 2000 calories today. I left my pizza in the oven.
  75. I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.
  76. I told my phone a joke, but it didn’t get it. Must be because it’s on airplane mode.
  77. A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bartender here?”
  78. I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
  79. I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
  80. I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.
  81. I told my boss I needed a raise; he said, “When pigs fly.” So I built him an airplane.
  82. My jokes about elevators are good on so many levels.
  83. I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
  84. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
  85. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
  86. Why did the stadium get hot? All the fans left.
  87. I knew a guy who collected candy canes—they were all in mint condition.
  88. I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.
  89. I got a job at a watch factory. It’s about time.
  90. I broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was just too mean.
  91. Why don’t graveyards ever get overcrowded? People are dying to get in.
  92. I don’t trust people who do gardening—they’re shady.
  93. I asked my suitcase if it was ready for vacation. It said, “I’m packed.”
  94. I don’t play football because I’m afraid of getting kicked.
  95. I’ve started a band called 999MB. We haven’t got a gig yet.
  96. I know a joke about paper. It’s tearable.
  97. I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.
  98. I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.
  99. I don’t trust people who do acupuncture—they’re back stabbers.
  100. I’m reading a book about teleportation. It’s bound to take me places.
  101. I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
  102. Why don’t programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
  103. I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
  104. I just found out I’m color blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
  105. I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
  106. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  107. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
  108. I gave all my dead batteries away—free of charge.
  109. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
  110. I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
  111. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
  112. The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. It was tense.
  113. I was going to tell a joke about an elevator, but it was an uplifting experience.
  114. Why did the man run around his bed? He was trying to catch up on his sleep.
  115. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because it was feeling crummy.
  116. I wanted to be a professional fisherman, but something smells fishy.
  117. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
  118. I don’t play basketball because I don’t like getting dunked on.
  119. Why did the barber win the race? He knew all the shortcuts.
  120. What do you call a factory that makes good products? A satisfactory.
  121. I’ve started sleeping in the library. It’s booked solid.
  122. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
  123. I tried to organize a hide and seek contest, but it was a total failure. Good players are hard to find.
  124. I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
  125. Why was the broom late? It overswept.
  126. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
  127. Why did the computer go to the doctor? It caught a virus.
  128. What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room? The living room.
  129. Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.
  130. Why don’t elephants use computers? They’re afraid of the mouse.
  131. Why did the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.
  132. Why did the calendar get popular? Because it had a lot of dates.
  133. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash.
  134. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
  135. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll let it go.
  136. Why was the math teacher always suspicious? He was constantly dealing with functions.
  137. What did one wall say to the other wall? “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
  138. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
  139. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To talk to the other side.
  140. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
  141. Why did the stadium get hot? Because all the fans left.
  142. Why did the computer keep sneezing? It had a bad case of Windows.
  143. Why don’t you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they’re good at it.
  144. Why don’t fish play basketball? They’re afraid of the net.
  145. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
  146. Why did the golfer bring a spare shirt? In case he got a hole in one.
  147. Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have tiny ant-bodies.
  148. Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had no body to go with.
  149. Why did the cow become an astronaut? To see the moooon.
  150. Why did the comedian cross the road? To deliver the punchline.

Mic Drop Moments

  1. I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
  2. I tried to write with a broken pencil… pointless.
  3. I wanted to tell a time-travel joke, but you didn’t like it.
  4. My ceiling isn’t the best, but it’s up there.
  5. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Clown-Level Corniness

  1. I ate a dictionary once. It gave me thesaurus throat.
  2. I don’t trust calendars. Their days are numbered.
  3. I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
  4. I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know which comes first.
  5. I was going to tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience.

Wordplay Wonders

  1. I don’t play hide and seek because good players are hard to find.
  2. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
  3. I once fell in love with a tennis player… love meant nothing to her.
  4. My friend says he doesn’t understand cloning. I said, “That makes two of us.”
  5. I don’t trust trees. They seem kind of shady.

Twisted Humor

  1. I had a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
  2. Why can’t you trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
  3. I used to be a personal trainer, but I lost my balance.
  4. I told my vacuum cleaner a joke. It sucked.
  5. I once told a pun about carpentry, but it didn’t nail the punchline.

Stage-Worthy Zingers

  1. I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
  2. I was going to tell a joke about sodium… Na.
  3. A ghost told me a joke the other day. It was a boo-mber.
  4. I wanted to be a banker, but I lost interest.
  5. I used to sell origami supplies, but the business folded.

Snack-Sized Puns

  1. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
  2. I once worked at a soft drink can-crushing factory. It was soda-pressing.
  3. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
  4. I know a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.
  5. Why don’t hamburgers go to the gym? They’re already beefed up.

Cool but Corny

  1. I wanted to learn to drive stick, but I couldn’t find a manual.
  2. I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.
  3. I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger… then it hit me.
  4. I went to buy camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
  5. My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.

Nerdy but Funny

  1. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.
  2. Why was the equal sign so humble? Because it wasn’t less than or greater than anyone else.
  3. I told my math teacher I had too many functions to attend.
  4. Why do computers always sing the same song? Because they’re stuck on a loop.
  5. Without geometry, life is pointless.

Out of This World

  1. I wanted to be an astronaut, but the cost was astronomical.
  2. Why don’t aliens visit Earth? They’ve read the reviews.
  3. I told my telescope a joke. It didn’t see the point.
  4. The moon is going to throw a party… but it needs space.
  5. I tried to make a joke about gravity, but it didn’t fall well.

Pun Finale

My jokes about elevators? They work on so many levels.

I told my barber a joke, but it just went over his head.

I wrote a joke on paper… it was tearable.

Why don’t comedians write in pencil? Because their material needs to be permanent.

I wanted to be a stand-up comic, but I just sit down.

Gold Medal Giggles

  1. I once entered a pun contest… I submitted 10. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
  2. I wanted to be a sprinter, but I just couldn’t get a running start.
  3. My friend’s bakery burned down. Now his business is toast.
  4. The scarecrow won an award—he was outstanding in his field.
  5. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

Wave After Wave of Laughs

  1. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
  2. I asked the ocean if it liked my joke. It just waved.
  3. Fishermen love puns—hook, line, and sinker.
  4. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  5. I told a joke about a ship. It went overboard.

Painted with Punchlines

  1. I once dated an artist… but she drew the line.
  2. My life is like a painting—lots of brush strokes and still unfinished.
  3. My friend is a sketch comedian. He always draws laughs.
  4. I used to color outside the lines. Now I’m a bold adult.
  5. Why was the crayon unhappy? It felt dull.

Paw-sitively Funny

  1. I told my dog a joke… he rolled over laughing.
  2. Why don’t cats tell jokes? They don’t want to cough up a laugh.
  3. My parrot kept repeating my jokes—real copy comic.
  4. I once tried stand-up with a horse audience… it was a neigh-sayer crowd.
  5. My hamster has the wheel, but I make the puns.

Homegrown Humor

  1. I made a joke about electricity—shocking, I know.
  2. I told a plumbing joke. It went down the drain.
  3. I once lived in a haunted house. The spirits had the best punchlines.
  4. My couch heard a pun—it just sat there.
  5. The fridge laughed so hard, it chilled.

Digital Laugh Downloads

  1. I asked my phone to tell me a joke—it was app-solutely terrible.
  2. My Wi-Fi told a pun, but it didn’t connect.
  3. I tried to download a joke about jokes—it was meta-data.
  4. Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open.
  5. My selfie cracked a joke, but it wasn’t picture perfect.

Roadside Riddles

  1. I wanted to tell a car joke, but it just stalled.
  2. Why don’t tires laugh? They’re exhausted.
  3. My GPS told me a pun. I laughed in the wrong direction.
  4. I once told a joke at a gas station—it fueled the laughter.
  5. I crashed a comedy show… it was a total laugh wreck.

Office LOLs

  1. My boss said I had too many puns. I said, “That’s not my strong suit—it’s my pun-ctuality.”
  2. My stapler told a joke. It was well-attached.
  3. I once joked with my computer at work. Now it has a virus.
  4. The copy machine laughed so hard, it made extra copies.
  5. The meeting was boring until I inserted a punchline—it was on the agenda.

Carnival of Comedy

  1. I made a joke on a roller coaster—it had its ups and downs.
  2. Why did the clown cross the road? To get to the punchline.
  3. Cotton candy told me a joke—it was sugar-coated.
  4. The Ferris wheel tried comedy, but it went in circles.
  5. I played a pun game at the fair—it was a laugh prize.

Starry-Eyed Jokes

  1. I told a joke to the stars—they twinkled with laughter.
  2. The sun tried stand-up—it was a bright idea.
  3. The galaxy hosted a comedy show—it was out of this world.
  4. I made a pun about meteors—it didn’t land.
  5. I told the moon a joke. It had a full laugh.

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